Just Another Vague Post

For a long time, I've been visualizing the different ways I can deal with my situation, yet I keep sticking with my original path, too scared to waver due to all the stupid fears and doubts I have.

Why do I hesitate when the original path is obviously not working out, and probably never was? Why do I feel the need to force myself to do things I hate, convinced that it's all my fault I can't make it work out?

Then I remember that the one time I actually strayed off of it, I didn't regret it. The only problem was that it didn't work out due to circumstances I had little control over.

Does that mean it was the right thing to do, though?

I don't know. I never did.

Update

When Jon Foreman was my around my age, he wrote two songs that I've always been able to relate to, but now they apply even more so due to the fact that he was in college (and a UC for that matter) when he wrote them:

And any hold 
That she can find 
Something to lean on 
Everybody fails her 
Half the time 

-------------------------------------

Immovable shadows 
Concrete girl 
They'll rock your world 
To nothing 
And they're swimming 
Around again, again 

I should be thankful that he's around, and that he writes songs I can relate to, but the sad truth is that he's not there for me personally.

My cat is sitting on the ground next to me. He seems to like my room. I hope he likes me too.

I Really Suck At Thinking Up Titles

I was reading my Buddha book that I've had for god-knows-how long, and this sentence from the intro stuck out to me:

Some day, tortured by the outside reality, in despair of having seen everything and found nothing, you are bound to turn inward.

Now, I really think "tortured" is even an understatement, but this statement definitely reeled me in. However, I feel like I don't have the capacity to reach for enlightenment. I have too many thoughts, too many worries, too many temptations, too much pressure from the outside world (the last which I despise the most). 

For the past week or so I've been feeling unsettled, conflicted, unsure. I've plunged back into my insecurities, which may or may not have to do with certain people leaving San Diego. 

But that's the whole point. I shouldn't have to rely on outside sources to make me feel worth something.

An Actual Update

I realize that the only time that I write in here is when I'm feeling sad, hopeless, angry, disconnected, and any other negative adjective you can think of. That's not how I always am. Certainly those were my defining qualities when I was younger, but I'd like to think that's not the case anymore.

Anyways, this has been an interesting week.

Tuesday Ian and I headed to La Jolla shores and went swimming in the surprisingly warm ocean. Then we walked around a plaza, got coffee, and watched the gorgeous sunset. We also talked a lot about life (as usual), and he got me thinking a lot about what I really deserve.

Wednesday I went to UCSD for my last experiment session, and I received $50. Not a bad deal for a few hours of sitting in front of a computer doing cognitive tasks, but I don't think I'll be doing any more, simply because it's too far to drive to all the time with my sorry excuse for a car. Afterwards, some friends and I drove to Julian. We took a break at an old-fashioned soda shop, then walked around. We went into this store that sold all sorts of odd foods and preserves, including jalapeno raspberry jam (which, in my short-lived amusement, I did buy. Sadly, I now regret it as it basically smells like vomit). Unfortunately, it was too late to do much after that (all the shops close super early), so we just got food and then left. For some reason when I got home, I was feeling pretty depressed. Probably due to the drop in energy with a certain departure. 

Thursday night Amber and I went to the Highland Ranch playground, talked, and created some art (mine was terrible). I felt nauseous after swinging for a while and mentioned how my motion sickness has gotten progressively worse. Amber said it was probably because my surroundings keep shifting, which makes sense, as this started at the beginning of college. Alas, what can I really do for the next two years besides take a crapload of dramamine?

I have now finally caught up completely with Lost, with each episode blowing my mind a little more out of proportion. Now I have to wait till January to see what the heck happened after that enormously mind-blowing finale.

Wishful Thinking

I kinda wish I was here.

I may have complained about how stressful my trip was numerous times, but I've been hit with an authentic traveling bug now.

Some More Thoughts

I've never really fit in anywhere, but this is one of those times when I feel like it's because of my morals and values rather than the way I behave. 

Sometimes I do enjoy myself with a group, but it's due to very trivial reasons.

I don't know whether this is a phase or if this is the true me coming out. I seem to be heading towards everything I used to blatantly disagree with. And I don't like it, but that seems to be the direction I'm going.

Maybe I'm finally at that stage where I really, seriously need to search for something more. It's always been there, this emptiness, but right now I feel more alone than ever.

*insert title here*

Sometimes you only stick with something for convenience or temporary highs or because you're afraid of how you'll look without it.

And then sometimes during these sometimes, you wonder if what you're doing is really worth it.

My Hair's Wet

It seems like with each passing year, I have less and less direction in life.

So This Is Summer

Things have changed, but I can't quite figure out how.

Maybe what I once had here just isn't right for me anymore. I don't know how else to explain the fact that I've been feeling down since yesterday.

However, I have figured out that I don't like to get emotionally involved when distance is involved. It takes even more of a toll on me.

Ian's right. Emotions suck.

Home!

I got home last night after approximately 10 hours or so of driving. We stopped in Arcadia in the evening to have a delicious dinner with some family friends, but by that time I really just wanted to get home. 

Sometimes I still think about how much easier things would be if I lived closer to school, so that it doesn't require my parents an entire day to drive up, stay the night, and then another entire day to go back. 

But I guess, in a way, things are the way they are for a reason. 

I hope the next two weeks will be epic.

Santa Cruz

I can't even begin to describe all the amazing adventures I had, so I'll just sum it up with this picture: 

It's Like Grabbing a Portkey

Here I am, sitting in my living room because my room is being its usual asshole self, still not writing my dumb polisci paper, listening to my roommate type and thinking how nice it is that she's actually here, and watching my hamster get up to his usual shenanigans. 

The past two weeks have been a whirlwind of emotion.

I don't even know what happened, or why, or how.

All I know is that I've jumped headfirst into something I've only been able to dream about for years, and it's grabbed me willingly, dug its nails into my skin, pulled me through a crazy vortex of joy and confusion and satisfaction and lust and warmth and smugness and frustration.

I can't decide if it's the first or last thing I need right now.

All I know is that it's time to take a risk. These things can't wait.

Okay

I do not want to suffer from Drama Queen Syndrome.

That is all.

Things That Have Been Pissing Me Off Lately

1. Terrible sleeping patterns. Like now.

2. The fact that I'm still not officially a psych major and hence can't register for classes on the first round.

3. My decision to probably forego a minor, which is just about the 3450th time I've changed my mind about something school-related.

4. I might need to take upper div composition after all.

5. Related to #4 - My pride in my writing, due to many compliments over the years, which is why I refuse to find out why the hell I didn't pass the composition exam.

6. Medical bureaucracy. Sorry, I don't like the fact that my only choices are either to wait forever or to go straight to the emergency room.

7. The fact that doctors are way too cautious (something I've discussed with my parents & Yasi). Seriously, just give me a fucking tranquilizer or something. I won't sue you.

8. Not getting enough hours at work.

9. Dentists appointments which will cost a fortune even with insurance and that will inevitably force me to take more days off of work.

10. Maybe not going to Britain after all so I can save money and my own sanity.

A Thought or Two

I kinda realized... if I do get what I want, which may very well happen, then I'm opening myself up to all the problems that I've only heard about from others.

At the same time, I don't want to get my hopes up already. Not when everything else has gone wrong here. How could this possibly be any different, with my history?

I apologize for the vagueness.

Finally going home tonight! 

I Feel...

...like ever since I got to college, my life has been at a standstill. The fact that it's supposed to be the best years of your life just makes me feel worse.

I dunno, I'm conflicted. I'm going back and forth between blaming myself and the general environment for my lack of satisfaction. And today I realized that I honestly don't give a shit about being alone, because interacting with the people here who were once my friends makes me feel worse.

Then again, if I can continue to put myself in situations that bring misery, maybe it'll give me the motivation to accomplish my new goal.

And then start living.

This isn't a post of bitterness. I don't need to be told that what I'm doing is not healthy, or that one day I will regret it. So really, just stop.

Listy List

I like lists too. These are random thoughts, happenings, and observations from the past week.

Spring break at school:

- I got freaked out being the only one in the apartment at night and left a couple lights on.

- Ironically, there was a campus-wide blackout the first day, and I was glad I wasn't in a room alone during that time.

- There were communal carrots in the fridge at work, which saved my life (and hunger) during the long hours.

- My boss and co-worker brought donuts, which also saved my life.

- I witnessed a mouse giving birth, though she seemed to have issues. When I checked back later, the pup was dead (with its head smushed in and all bloody, ew), and the mom's rear end was bloody. She had to be euthanized. That was fun.

Spring break in Canada:

- The weather was extremely sucky, except the day I left. Go figure.

- I met two ferrets. Cute, but smelly.

- I became rather mesmerized by hockey, even though I don't really like watching sports. Does this mean I'm secretly Canadian?

- Apparently everyone thinks that California is always sunny... I don't know how many times I had to correct that notion.

- Excruciating pain would hit my left jaw for about an hour or two a day. Good thing I'm going to the dentist soon...

- I struggled with slight culture shock, the gloominess that comes with rain, traveling by myself, and trying to fit in (didn't work).

- I felt a little discouraged that I didn't really feel like I belonged, but I hope there's a home out there for me.

Spring quarter, so far:

- I'm apparently going to be running around campus like a maniac all day.

- I spent the most I've ever spent on books. It feels like my education just started.

- My classes seem interesting, at least.

- I was late this morning because of the fact that everyone in the neighborhood seemed to take the bus at the exact same time.

- The quarter hasn't started out so great, to say the least.

- Everything is so different, and I don't know how to feel about it.

Good Advice

I read some good advice the other day, which was something along the lines of: "Don't ever let someone tell you what you're doing is wrong."

I think we as human beings are too quick to judge when someone makes a mistake or does something we wouldn't ever do. We don't try to understand or at least consider the fact that we make mistakes or do things others don't approve of as well. 

One week and two days till I get to meet foreign people who sound exactly like me! Yeah!

This Quarter

This quarter, I...

- became obsessed with two TV shows, which has never happened within such a short span of time. I think Arrested Development is my new favorite show (thanks Morgan!) because it's just pure genius, and though it got canceled, at least it ended on a strong note.

- got a hamster and had to endure him running on a really effing loud wheel at 3 in the morning.

- pretty much lost any motivation I originally had for science. At least that's over with for pretty much forever.

- discovered that even simple genetics goes over my head now, though I pwned at it four years ago. Yet another sign that I'm just not destined for science.

- got my first "real" job and figured out that I don't really want to work with animals.

- threw up for the first time since I was 10. From drinking on a Thursday night, of all things. Not doing that again.

- finally achieved my lifelong dream of being able to travel to my true home countries of Ireland and Britain. :D Of course, I'm now responsible for two months' rent in order to pay back my plane ticket, but it's beyond worth it. 

- consumed way too much pineapple soda and Arizona green tea.

- and had to deal with the loss of a family member for the first time in my life. I still don't think this has hit me yet, and I'm not sure if it ever will. Sigh. RIP Gong Gong.

One more lecture of every class left and then finals. I'm so disoriented right now. I feel like this entire quarter has been a lie, at least academically. But I'm glad that I eventually realized things through experience. I'm ready for more fulfilling classes and a better academic experience.

Guess I'm Wishing My Life Away

I came to another realization after whining about this quarter for so long and then stressing out over my new education plans.

I'm still waiting for my life to really begin, instead of taking the initiative to start it. It's been this way forever. It reminds me of what my senior year English teacher said, about how people tend to go off to other places, expecting things to be better, only to be disappointed over and over again. 

God damn, that class is going to haunt me forever. 

Another thing is that I've been stressing out way too much lately, about classes I shouldn't even be taking, about how I'm not making enough money, about how I'm going to accomplish my goals, etc. 

I firmly believe in living your life to the fullest and not turning into a certain person I happen to be related to, but I've always had trouble taking my own advice. 

A Lame Epiphany

I realize it's almost 5 in the morning and that my brain is definitely not functioning as well as it was half a day ago, so maybe that's why I'm writing this.

I think the reason I haven't been able to let go of someone is because no one better has come along. Someone worse, most definitely, but not better. 

It came to me when I realized that I haven't had feelings for someone in a long, long time. I wonder if I'm even capable of it anymore. Or maybe it's better this way.

Celesbianism

I was inspired by this little gem to write something like this. 

So, what females in Hollywood are attractive?

1. Isla Fisher - I think the first time I heard of her was when I was going through this article about how redheads are attractive (which they definitely are). I watched this interview with her from when she first started out and I was drawn in. Recently, I watched Wedding Crashers, and she was SO pretty in that. The fact that her character was crazy made it more interesting. :P Plus, she's  Australian, which makes everything all the more awesome.

2. Rachel McAdams - Also in Wedding Crashers, and I must admit, she and Isla made it a very attractive movie. I first saw her in Mean Girls without knowing anything about her, but then I saw The Notebook and was hooked. Starring alongside Ryan Gosling didn't hurt either. ^_^

3. Jenna Fischer - They really downplay her looks on The Office; it's kinda ridiculous. When I first saw a real-life picture of her, I was stunned, to say the lease. And she still stuns me. 

4. Amy Adams - Enchanted is probably my favorite Disney movie. I loved her dresses in that, even if they're the cheesy typical Disney dresses that I couldn't ever walk around in public with. After watching that, I realized that she had guest starred on The Office as "Hot Girl," which is pretty fitting.

5. Anna Popplewell - I think it should be a crime for anyone to look this good, end of story. At least she's British. ;)

Friday the 13th

I was on the bus in the early afternoon, staring outside and absentmindedly watching this kid on the sidewalk. Then as he was passing by a tree, a dead crow fell out of it, right at his feet. It was hilarious.

I also managed to get to school an hour earlier than I needed to. For some reason I thought my class was at 1 when it was really at 2 and ended up walking into Super-Calculus. Yeah, good job.

Then when I got home, I checked the mailbox and found a singing Hannah Montana card from Courtney.

............

I suppose it's a good thing I'm not in Santa Cruz; I might not have had such an amusing day.

A Post About Nothing In Particular

For some reason I'm feeling really good right now. Work today wasn't anywhere near as bad as I was anticipating it to be; I think it's because I'm finally getting the hang of things.

On a slightly gloomy note, however, I'm not going to Santa Cruz this weekend like Amber and I originally planned. It's okay, since we'll be going in two weeks, but I was really looking forward to getting away for a while. At least the gap between that trip and my spring break trip will be shorter. 

On a kind of weird note, a couple things have occurred involving someone from my past, and I'm left feeling... mixed, I guess. I don't even know how to begin describing how I feel. It also ties in to another situation that's been eating at me for a very long time, and at the moment I don't know how I feel about that either.

Yes, I can totally be more vague if you want me to.

I'm gonna go finish the little bit of coffee that's left in my pot and hope it doesn't keep me up all night. Oh, the perks of being an addict. xD

I Want To Kill My Throat

I was determined to not get sick like I did last year, and I managed to put it off for a while, but I suppose when your lecture halls contain 400+ people it's impossible to avoid entirely. Unfortunately (yes, unfortunately), I'm pretty healthy overall and have never gotten seriously sick, so if I go to a doctor's they'll just tell me there's nothing wrong with me. Yeah, thanks. 

Lately, I've been having trouble living in the present, because of my summer plans and the fact that I'm really NOT enjoying my classes this time around. Plus, winter quarter just plain sucks.

If someone wants to whisk me away for a little while, please do.

Bilbo!

Too bad the little rodent isn't making me feel any better about work. 

I Has A Hamster?

He's huge, but totally awesome. No name decided for sure yet, but I want to name him after a Hobbit.

I'm so behind in bio and chem; I have no motivation when it comes to them. I can't wait to start taking useful classes, but alas, that's another eight weeks away.

Besides that, not much is going on. Just waiting till summer for the vacation of my dreams. Though for all I know, Ireland might be a craphole and England might be full of snobs. :D

Also, I totally got Cassandra addicted to Doogie Howser. ^_^

I Went The Other Way; Where Are You Today?

While mice and rats are completely awesome, checking up on hundreds of them for hours is not. I think I would rather go back to the food industry. At least you get, well, food; I went seven hours without it today and had a terrible headache during bio.

I've been thinking about getting some kind of rodent lately. Actually, it's been there in the back of my mind for quite a while, as we had three (four?) hamsters in the suite last year. The only problem is, I'm hardly ever in one place, and I don't want to make someone else take care of it or have to give it up. I don't even know if I'll be anywhere near here next year. Which leads me to think about my plans for a nomadic life once I'm out of college; I don't know if I'll be happy with that. There's no way I could get a cat or anything of the sort, and there's the potential loneliness. While it sounds fun, I've always been kind of iffy about not settling down at all.

So those are the kinds of thoughts I have after I consider getting a pet rodent.

On the bright side, I dropped a class and now have Tuesdays completely free. I'm taking the minimal number of units again, which makes me look like a complete slacker in comparison to science majors. Also, while I've always had the characteristics of a loner, I don't think I've truly been one till now. The weird thing is, it doesn't bug me, but I just feel like I shouldn't be one when I see other people interacting all the time.

I hate how susceptible I am to societal pressure.

God, my hands still smell like latex no matter how many times I've washed them with soap. Also, I probably smell like mice.

Noni Berry

I think I've officially become Davis's resident hermit.