Just Another Vague Post

For a long time, I've been visualizing the different ways I can deal with my situation, yet I keep sticking with my original path, too scared to waver due to all the stupid fears and doubts I have.

Why do I hesitate when the original path is obviously not working out, and probably never was? Why do I feel the need to force myself to do things I hate, convinced that it's all my fault I can't make it work out?

Then I remember that the one time I actually strayed off of it, I didn't regret it. The only problem was that it didn't work out due to circumstances I had little control over.

Does that mean it was the right thing to do, though?

I don't know. I never did.

Update

When Jon Foreman was my around my age, he wrote two songs that I've always been able to relate to, but now they apply even more so due to the fact that he was in college (and a UC for that matter) when he wrote them:

And any hold 
That she can find 
Something to lean on 
Everybody fails her 
Half the time 

-------------------------------------

Immovable shadows 
Concrete girl 
They'll rock your world 
To nothing 
And they're swimming 
Around again, again 

I should be thankful that he's around, and that he writes songs I can relate to, but the sad truth is that he's not there for me personally.

My cat is sitting on the ground next to me. He seems to like my room. I hope he likes me too.

I Really Suck At Thinking Up Titles

I was reading my Buddha book that I've had for god-knows-how long, and this sentence from the intro stuck out to me:

Some day, tortured by the outside reality, in despair of having seen everything and found nothing, you are bound to turn inward.

Now, I really think "tortured" is even an understatement, but this statement definitely reeled me in. However, I feel like I don't have the capacity to reach for enlightenment. I have too many thoughts, too many worries, too many temptations, too much pressure from the outside world (the last which I despise the most). 

For the past week or so I've been feeling unsettled, conflicted, unsure. I've plunged back into my insecurities, which may or may not have to do with certain people leaving San Diego. 

But that's the whole point. I shouldn't have to rely on outside sources to make me feel worth something.

An Actual Update

I realize that the only time that I write in here is when I'm feeling sad, hopeless, angry, disconnected, and any other negative adjective you can think of. That's not how I always am. Certainly those were my defining qualities when I was younger, but I'd like to think that's not the case anymore.

Anyways, this has been an interesting week.

Tuesday Ian and I headed to La Jolla shores and went swimming in the surprisingly warm ocean. Then we walked around a plaza, got coffee, and watched the gorgeous sunset. We also talked a lot about life (as usual), and he got me thinking a lot about what I really deserve.

Wednesday I went to UCSD for my last experiment session, and I received $50. Not a bad deal for a few hours of sitting in front of a computer doing cognitive tasks, but I don't think I'll be doing any more, simply because it's too far to drive to all the time with my sorry excuse for a car. Afterwards, some friends and I drove to Julian. We took a break at an old-fashioned soda shop, then walked around. We went into this store that sold all sorts of odd foods and preserves, including jalapeno raspberry jam (which, in my short-lived amusement, I did buy. Sadly, I now regret it as it basically smells like vomit). Unfortunately, it was too late to do much after that (all the shops close super early), so we just got food and then left. For some reason when I got home, I was feeling pretty depressed. Probably due to the drop in energy with a certain departure. 

Thursday night Amber and I went to the Highland Ranch playground, talked, and created some art (mine was terrible). I felt nauseous after swinging for a while and mentioned how my motion sickness has gotten progressively worse. Amber said it was probably because my surroundings keep shifting, which makes sense, as this started at the beginning of college. Alas, what can I really do for the next two years besides take a crapload of dramamine?

I have now finally caught up completely with Lost, with each episode blowing my mind a little more out of proportion. Now I have to wait till January to see what the heck happened after that enormously mind-blowing finale.

Wishful Thinking

I kinda wish I was here.

I may have complained about how stressful my trip was numerous times, but I've been hit with an authentic traveling bug now.

Some More Thoughts

I've never really fit in anywhere, but this is one of those times when I feel like it's because of my morals and values rather than the way I behave. 

Sometimes I do enjoy myself with a group, but it's due to very trivial reasons.

I don't know whether this is a phase or if this is the true me coming out. I seem to be heading towards everything I used to blatantly disagree with. And I don't like it, but that seems to be the direction I'm going.

Maybe I'm finally at that stage where I really, seriously need to search for something more. It's always been there, this emptiness, but right now I feel more alone than ever.

*insert title here*

Sometimes you only stick with something for convenience or temporary highs or because you're afraid of how you'll look without it.

And then sometimes during these sometimes, you wonder if what you're doing is really worth it.