I want so much to believe that I am not disposable, that I am not just a replacement, that I matter. And in the past I have been drawn towards people who have treated me like I am not any of those things, but they were not such great people deep down inside.

Sadly, maybe the only way to prove myself wrong is something I won't even be able to experience.

New Schtuff

Go here:

http://bangbangsilverhammer.tumblr.com/

Yesterday

I reactivated my facebook yesterday, and one of the first things I found out was that one of my former best friends died last week.

I don't really know what to think. I think I should feel something, but I've become numb to events like these.

Anyways, you can tell that I don't really use this anymore (and I somehow highly doubt anyone is reading it either). Which is fine, because I've already moved to another domain.  

Details to come. Maybe.

This is Terrible

http://www.10news.com/news/22678790/detail.html

People. Never. Learn.

Just Another Vague Post

For a long time, I've been visualizing the different ways I can deal with my situation, yet I keep sticking with my original path, too scared to waver due to all the stupid fears and doubts I have.

Why do I hesitate when the original path is obviously not working out, and probably never was? Why do I feel the need to force myself to do things I hate, convinced that it's all my fault I can't make it work out?

Then I remember that the one time I actually strayed off of it, I didn't regret it. The only problem was that it didn't work out due to circumstances I had little control over.

Does that mean it was the right thing to do, though?

I don't know. I never did.

Update

When Jon Foreman was my around my age, he wrote two songs that I've always been able to relate to, but now they apply even more so due to the fact that he was in college (and a UC for that matter) when he wrote them:

And any hold 
That she can find 
Something to lean on 
Everybody fails her 
Half the time 

-------------------------------------

Immovable shadows 
Concrete girl 
They'll rock your world 
To nothing 
And they're swimming 
Around again, again 

I should be thankful that he's around, and that he writes songs I can relate to, but the sad truth is that he's not there for me personally.

My cat is sitting on the ground next to me. He seems to like my room. I hope he likes me too.

I Really Suck At Thinking Up Titles

I was reading my Buddha book that I've had for god-knows-how long, and this sentence from the intro stuck out to me:

Some day, tortured by the outside reality, in despair of having seen everything and found nothing, you are bound to turn inward.

Now, I really think "tortured" is even an understatement, but this statement definitely reeled me in. However, I feel like I don't have the capacity to reach for enlightenment. I have too many thoughts, too many worries, too many temptations, too much pressure from the outside world (the last which I despise the most). 

For the past week or so I've been feeling unsettled, conflicted, unsure. I've plunged back into my insecurities, which may or may not have to do with certain people leaving San Diego. 

But that's the whole point. I shouldn't have to rely on outside sources to make me feel worth something.