It's Like Grabbing a Portkey

Here I am, sitting in my living room because my room is being its usual asshole self, still not writing my dumb polisci paper, listening to my roommate type and thinking how nice it is that she's actually here, and watching my hamster get up to his usual shenanigans. 

The past two weeks have been a whirlwind of emotion.

I don't even know what happened, or why, or how.

All I know is that I've jumped headfirst into something I've only been able to dream about for years, and it's grabbed me willingly, dug its nails into my skin, pulled me through a crazy vortex of joy and confusion and satisfaction and lust and warmth and smugness and frustration.

I can't decide if it's the first or last thing I need right now.

All I know is that it's time to take a risk. These things can't wait.

Okay

I do not want to suffer from Drama Queen Syndrome.

That is all.

Things That Have Been Pissing Me Off Lately

1. Terrible sleeping patterns. Like now.

2. The fact that I'm still not officially a psych major and hence can't register for classes on the first round.

3. My decision to probably forego a minor, which is just about the 3450th time I've changed my mind about something school-related.

4. I might need to take upper div composition after all.

5. Related to #4 - My pride in my writing, due to many compliments over the years, which is why I refuse to find out why the hell I didn't pass the composition exam.

6. Medical bureaucracy. Sorry, I don't like the fact that my only choices are either to wait forever or to go straight to the emergency room.

7. The fact that doctors are way too cautious (something I've discussed with my parents & Yasi). Seriously, just give me a fucking tranquilizer or something. I won't sue you.

8. Not getting enough hours at work.

9. Dentists appointments which will cost a fortune even with insurance and that will inevitably force me to take more days off of work.

10. Maybe not going to Britain after all so I can save money and my own sanity.

A Thought or Two

I kinda realized... if I do get what I want, which may very well happen, then I'm opening myself up to all the problems that I've only heard about from others.

At the same time, I don't want to get my hopes up already. Not when everything else has gone wrong here. How could this possibly be any different, with my history?

I apologize for the vagueness.

Finally going home tonight! 

I Feel...

...like ever since I got to college, my life has been at a standstill. The fact that it's supposed to be the best years of your life just makes me feel worse.

I dunno, I'm conflicted. I'm going back and forth between blaming myself and the general environment for my lack of satisfaction. And today I realized that I honestly don't give a shit about being alone, because interacting with the people here who were once my friends makes me feel worse.

Then again, if I can continue to put myself in situations that bring misery, maybe it'll give me the motivation to accomplish my new goal.

And then start living.

This isn't a post of bitterness. I don't need to be told that what I'm doing is not healthy, or that one day I will regret it. So really, just stop.

Listy List

I like lists too. These are random thoughts, happenings, and observations from the past week.

Spring break at school:

- I got freaked out being the only one in the apartment at night and left a couple lights on.

- Ironically, there was a campus-wide blackout the first day, and I was glad I wasn't in a room alone during that time.

- There were communal carrots in the fridge at work, which saved my life (and hunger) during the long hours.

- My boss and co-worker brought donuts, which also saved my life.

- I witnessed a mouse giving birth, though she seemed to have issues. When I checked back later, the pup was dead (with its head smushed in and all bloody, ew), and the mom's rear end was bloody. She had to be euthanized. That was fun.

Spring break in Canada:

- The weather was extremely sucky, except the day I left. Go figure.

- I met two ferrets. Cute, but smelly.

- I became rather mesmerized by hockey, even though I don't really like watching sports. Does this mean I'm secretly Canadian?

- Apparently everyone thinks that California is always sunny... I don't know how many times I had to correct that notion.

- Excruciating pain would hit my left jaw for about an hour or two a day. Good thing I'm going to the dentist soon...

- I struggled with slight culture shock, the gloominess that comes with rain, traveling by myself, and trying to fit in (didn't work).

- I felt a little discouraged that I didn't really feel like I belonged, but I hope there's a home out there for me.

Spring quarter, so far:

- I'm apparently going to be running around campus like a maniac all day.

- I spent the most I've ever spent on books. It feels like my education just started.

- My classes seem interesting, at least.

- I was late this morning because of the fact that everyone in the neighborhood seemed to take the bus at the exact same time.

- The quarter hasn't started out so great, to say the least.

- Everything is so different, and I don't know how to feel about it.

Good Advice

I read some good advice the other day, which was something along the lines of: "Don't ever let someone tell you what you're doing is wrong."

I think we as human beings are too quick to judge when someone makes a mistake or does something we wouldn't ever do. We don't try to understand or at least consider the fact that we make mistakes or do things others don't approve of as well. 

One week and two days till I get to meet foreign people who sound exactly like me! Yeah!