A Thought or Two

I kinda realized... if I do get what I want, which may very well happen, then I'm opening myself up to all the problems that I've only heard about from others.

At the same time, I don't want to get my hopes up already. Not when everything else has gone wrong here. How could this possibly be any different, with my history?

I apologize for the vagueness.

Finally going home tonight! 

I Feel...

...like ever since I got to college, my life has been at a standstill. The fact that it's supposed to be the best years of your life just makes me feel worse.

I dunno, I'm conflicted. I'm going back and forth between blaming myself and the general environment for my lack of satisfaction. And today I realized that I honestly don't give a shit about being alone, because interacting with the people here who were once my friends makes me feel worse.

Then again, if I can continue to put myself in situations that bring misery, maybe it'll give me the motivation to accomplish my new goal.

And then start living.

This isn't a post of bitterness. I don't need to be told that what I'm doing is not healthy, or that one day I will regret it. So really, just stop.

Listy List

I like lists too. These are random thoughts, happenings, and observations from the past week.

Spring break at school:

- I got freaked out being the only one in the apartment at night and left a couple lights on.

- Ironically, there was a campus-wide blackout the first day, and I was glad I wasn't in a room alone during that time.

- There were communal carrots in the fridge at work, which saved my life (and hunger) during the long hours.

- My boss and co-worker brought donuts, which also saved my life.

- I witnessed a mouse giving birth, though she seemed to have issues. When I checked back later, the pup was dead (with its head smushed in and all bloody, ew), and the mom's rear end was bloody. She had to be euthanized. That was fun.

Spring break in Canada:

- The weather was extremely sucky, except the day I left. Go figure.

- I met two ferrets. Cute, but smelly.

- I became rather mesmerized by hockey, even though I don't really like watching sports. Does this mean I'm secretly Canadian?

- Apparently everyone thinks that California is always sunny... I don't know how many times I had to correct that notion.

- Excruciating pain would hit my left jaw for about an hour or two a day. Good thing I'm going to the dentist soon...

- I struggled with slight culture shock, the gloominess that comes with rain, traveling by myself, and trying to fit in (didn't work).

- I felt a little discouraged that I didn't really feel like I belonged, but I hope there's a home out there for me.

Spring quarter, so far:

- I'm apparently going to be running around campus like a maniac all day.

- I spent the most I've ever spent on books. It feels like my education just started.

- My classes seem interesting, at least.

- I was late this morning because of the fact that everyone in the neighborhood seemed to take the bus at the exact same time.

- The quarter hasn't started out so great, to say the least.

- Everything is so different, and I don't know how to feel about it.

Good Advice

I read some good advice the other day, which was something along the lines of: "Don't ever let someone tell you what you're doing is wrong."

I think we as human beings are too quick to judge when someone makes a mistake or does something we wouldn't ever do. We don't try to understand or at least consider the fact that we make mistakes or do things others don't approve of as well. 

One week and two days till I get to meet foreign people who sound exactly like me! Yeah!

This Quarter

This quarter, I...

- became obsessed with two TV shows, which has never happened within such a short span of time. I think Arrested Development is my new favorite show (thanks Morgan!) because it's just pure genius, and though it got canceled, at least it ended on a strong note.

- got a hamster and had to endure him running on a really effing loud wheel at 3 in the morning.

- pretty much lost any motivation I originally had for science. At least that's over with for pretty much forever.

- discovered that even simple genetics goes over my head now, though I pwned at it four years ago. Yet another sign that I'm just not destined for science.

- got my first "real" job and figured out that I don't really want to work with animals.

- threw up for the first time since I was 10. From drinking on a Thursday night, of all things. Not doing that again.

- finally achieved my lifelong dream of being able to travel to my true home countries of Ireland and Britain. :D Of course, I'm now responsible for two months' rent in order to pay back my plane ticket, but it's beyond worth it. 

- consumed way too much pineapple soda and Arizona green tea.

- and had to deal with the loss of a family member for the first time in my life. I still don't think this has hit me yet, and I'm not sure if it ever will. Sigh. RIP Gong Gong.

One more lecture of every class left and then finals. I'm so disoriented right now. I feel like this entire quarter has been a lie, at least academically. But I'm glad that I eventually realized things through experience. I'm ready for more fulfilling classes and a better academic experience.

Guess I'm Wishing My Life Away

I came to another realization after whining about this quarter for so long and then stressing out over my new education plans.

I'm still waiting for my life to really begin, instead of taking the initiative to start it. It's been this way forever. It reminds me of what my senior year English teacher said, about how people tend to go off to other places, expecting things to be better, only to be disappointed over and over again. 

God damn, that class is going to haunt me forever. 

Another thing is that I've been stressing out way too much lately, about classes I shouldn't even be taking, about how I'm not making enough money, about how I'm going to accomplish my goals, etc. 

I firmly believe in living your life to the fullest and not turning into a certain person I happen to be related to, but I've always had trouble taking my own advice. 

A Lame Epiphany

I realize it's almost 5 in the morning and that my brain is definitely not functioning as well as it was half a day ago, so maybe that's why I'm writing this.

I think the reason I haven't been able to let go of someone is because no one better has come along. Someone worse, most definitely, but not better. 

It came to me when I realized that I haven't had feelings for someone in a long, long time. I wonder if I'm even capable of it anymore. Or maybe it's better this way.