I want so much to believe that I am not disposable, that I am not just a replacement, that I matter. And in the past I have been drawn towards people who have treated me like I am not any of those things, but they were not such great people deep down inside.

Sadly, maybe the only way to prove myself wrong is something I won't even be able to experience.

New Schtuff

Go here:

http://bangbangsilverhammer.tumblr.com/

Yesterday

I reactivated my facebook yesterday, and one of the first things I found out was that one of my former best friends died last week.

I don't really know what to think. I think I should feel something, but I've become numb to events like these.

Anyways, you can tell that I don't really use this anymore (and I somehow highly doubt anyone is reading it either). Which is fine, because I've already moved to another domain.  

Details to come. Maybe.

This is Terrible

http://www.10news.com/news/22678790/detail.html

People. Never. Learn.

Just Another Vague Post

For a long time, I've been visualizing the different ways I can deal with my situation, yet I keep sticking with my original path, too scared to waver due to all the stupid fears and doubts I have.

Why do I hesitate when the original path is obviously not working out, and probably never was? Why do I feel the need to force myself to do things I hate, convinced that it's all my fault I can't make it work out?

Then I remember that the one time I actually strayed off of it, I didn't regret it. The only problem was that it didn't work out due to circumstances I had little control over.

Does that mean it was the right thing to do, though?

I don't know. I never did.

Update

When Jon Foreman was my around my age, he wrote two songs that I've always been able to relate to, but now they apply even more so due to the fact that he was in college (and a UC for that matter) when he wrote them:

And any hold 
That she can find 
Something to lean on 
Everybody fails her 
Half the time 

-------------------------------------

Immovable shadows 
Concrete girl 
They'll rock your world 
To nothing 
And they're swimming 
Around again, again 

I should be thankful that he's around, and that he writes songs I can relate to, but the sad truth is that he's not there for me personally.

My cat is sitting on the ground next to me. He seems to like my room. I hope he likes me too.

I Really Suck At Thinking Up Titles

I was reading my Buddha book that I've had for god-knows-how long, and this sentence from the intro stuck out to me:

Some day, tortured by the outside reality, in despair of having seen everything and found nothing, you are bound to turn inward.

Now, I really think "tortured" is even an understatement, but this statement definitely reeled me in. However, I feel like I don't have the capacity to reach for enlightenment. I have too many thoughts, too many worries, too many temptations, too much pressure from the outside world (the last which I despise the most). 

For the past week or so I've been feeling unsettled, conflicted, unsure. I've plunged back into my insecurities, which may or may not have to do with certain people leaving San Diego. 

But that's the whole point. I shouldn't have to rely on outside sources to make me feel worth something.

An Actual Update

I realize that the only time that I write in here is when I'm feeling sad, hopeless, angry, disconnected, and any other negative adjective you can think of. That's not how I always am. Certainly those were my defining qualities when I was younger, but I'd like to think that's not the case anymore.

Anyways, this has been an interesting week.

Tuesday Ian and I headed to La Jolla shores and went swimming in the surprisingly warm ocean. Then we walked around a plaza, got coffee, and watched the gorgeous sunset. We also talked a lot about life (as usual), and he got me thinking a lot about what I really deserve.

Wednesday I went to UCSD for my last experiment session, and I received $50. Not a bad deal for a few hours of sitting in front of a computer doing cognitive tasks, but I don't think I'll be doing any more, simply because it's too far to drive to all the time with my sorry excuse for a car. Afterwards, some friends and I drove to Julian. We took a break at an old-fashioned soda shop, then walked around. We went into this store that sold all sorts of odd foods and preserves, including jalapeno raspberry jam (which, in my short-lived amusement, I did buy. Sadly, I now regret it as it basically smells like vomit). Unfortunately, it was too late to do much after that (all the shops close super early), so we just got food and then left. For some reason when I got home, I was feeling pretty depressed. Probably due to the drop in energy with a certain departure. 

Thursday night Amber and I went to the Highland Ranch playground, talked, and created some art (mine was terrible). I felt nauseous after swinging for a while and mentioned how my motion sickness has gotten progressively worse. Amber said it was probably because my surroundings keep shifting, which makes sense, as this started at the beginning of college. Alas, what can I really do for the next two years besides take a crapload of dramamine?

I have now finally caught up completely with Lost, with each episode blowing my mind a little more out of proportion. Now I have to wait till January to see what the heck happened after that enormously mind-blowing finale.

Wishful Thinking

I kinda wish I was here.

I may have complained about how stressful my trip was numerous times, but I've been hit with an authentic traveling bug now.

Some More Thoughts

I've never really fit in anywhere, but this is one of those times when I feel like it's because of my morals and values rather than the way I behave. 

Sometimes I do enjoy myself with a group, but it's due to very trivial reasons.

I don't know whether this is a phase or if this is the true me coming out. I seem to be heading towards everything I used to blatantly disagree with. And I don't like it, but that seems to be the direction I'm going.

Maybe I'm finally at that stage where I really, seriously need to search for something more. It's always been there, this emptiness, but right now I feel more alone than ever.

*insert title here*

Sometimes you only stick with something for convenience or temporary highs or because you're afraid of how you'll look without it.

And then sometimes during these sometimes, you wonder if what you're doing is really worth it.

My Hair's Wet

It seems like with each passing year, I have less and less direction in life.

So This Is Summer

Things have changed, but I can't quite figure out how.

Maybe what I once had here just isn't right for me anymore. I don't know how else to explain the fact that I've been feeling down since yesterday.

However, I have figured out that I don't like to get emotionally involved when distance is involved. It takes even more of a toll on me.

Ian's right. Emotions suck.

Home!

I got home last night after approximately 10 hours or so of driving. We stopped in Arcadia in the evening to have a delicious dinner with some family friends, but by that time I really just wanted to get home. 

Sometimes I still think about how much easier things would be if I lived closer to school, so that it doesn't require my parents an entire day to drive up, stay the night, and then another entire day to go back. 

But I guess, in a way, things are the way they are for a reason. 

I hope the next two weeks will be epic.

Santa Cruz

I can't even begin to describe all the amazing adventures I had, so I'll just sum it up with this picture: 

It's Like Grabbing a Portkey

Here I am, sitting in my living room because my room is being its usual asshole self, still not writing my dumb polisci paper, listening to my roommate type and thinking how nice it is that she's actually here, and watching my hamster get up to his usual shenanigans. 

The past two weeks have been a whirlwind of emotion.

I don't even know what happened, or why, or how.

All I know is that I've jumped headfirst into something I've only been able to dream about for years, and it's grabbed me willingly, dug its nails into my skin, pulled me through a crazy vortex of joy and confusion and satisfaction and lust and warmth and smugness and frustration.

I can't decide if it's the first or last thing I need right now.

All I know is that it's time to take a risk. These things can't wait.

Okay

I do not want to suffer from Drama Queen Syndrome.

That is all.

Things That Have Been Pissing Me Off Lately

1. Terrible sleeping patterns. Like now.

2. The fact that I'm still not officially a psych major and hence can't register for classes on the first round.

3. My decision to probably forego a minor, which is just about the 3450th time I've changed my mind about something school-related.

4. I might need to take upper div composition after all.

5. Related to #4 - My pride in my writing, due to many compliments over the years, which is why I refuse to find out why the hell I didn't pass the composition exam.

6. Medical bureaucracy. Sorry, I don't like the fact that my only choices are either to wait forever or to go straight to the emergency room.

7. The fact that doctors are way too cautious (something I've discussed with my parents & Yasi). Seriously, just give me a fucking tranquilizer or something. I won't sue you.

8. Not getting enough hours at work.

9. Dentists appointments which will cost a fortune even with insurance and that will inevitably force me to take more days off of work.

10. Maybe not going to Britain after all so I can save money and my own sanity.

A Thought or Two

I kinda realized... if I do get what I want, which may very well happen, then I'm opening myself up to all the problems that I've only heard about from others.

At the same time, I don't want to get my hopes up already. Not when everything else has gone wrong here. How could this possibly be any different, with my history?

I apologize for the vagueness.

Finally going home tonight! 

I Feel...

...like ever since I got to college, my life has been at a standstill. The fact that it's supposed to be the best years of your life just makes me feel worse.

I dunno, I'm conflicted. I'm going back and forth between blaming myself and the general environment for my lack of satisfaction. And today I realized that I honestly don't give a shit about being alone, because interacting with the people here who were once my friends makes me feel worse.

Then again, if I can continue to put myself in situations that bring misery, maybe it'll give me the motivation to accomplish my new goal.

And then start living.

This isn't a post of bitterness. I don't need to be told that what I'm doing is not healthy, or that one day I will regret it. So really, just stop.