Home!

I got home last night after approximately 10 hours or so of driving. We stopped in Arcadia in the evening to have a delicious dinner with some family friends, but by that time I really just wanted to get home. 

Sometimes I still think about how much easier things would be if I lived closer to school, so that it doesn't require my parents an entire day to drive up, stay the night, and then another entire day to go back. 

But I guess, in a way, things are the way they are for a reason. 

I hope the next two weeks will be epic.

Santa Cruz

I can't even begin to describe all the amazing adventures I had, so I'll just sum it up with this picture: 

It's Like Grabbing a Portkey

Here I am, sitting in my living room because my room is being its usual asshole self, still not writing my dumb polisci paper, listening to my roommate type and thinking how nice it is that she's actually here, and watching my hamster get up to his usual shenanigans. 

The past two weeks have been a whirlwind of emotion.

I don't even know what happened, or why, or how.

All I know is that I've jumped headfirst into something I've only been able to dream about for years, and it's grabbed me willingly, dug its nails into my skin, pulled me through a crazy vortex of joy and confusion and satisfaction and lust and warmth and smugness and frustration.

I can't decide if it's the first or last thing I need right now.

All I know is that it's time to take a risk. These things can't wait.

Okay

I do not want to suffer from Drama Queen Syndrome.

That is all.

Things That Have Been Pissing Me Off Lately

1. Terrible sleeping patterns. Like now.

2. The fact that I'm still not officially a psych major and hence can't register for classes on the first round.

3. My decision to probably forego a minor, which is just about the 3450th time I've changed my mind about something school-related.

4. I might need to take upper div composition after all.

5. Related to #4 - My pride in my writing, due to many compliments over the years, which is why I refuse to find out why the hell I didn't pass the composition exam.

6. Medical bureaucracy. Sorry, I don't like the fact that my only choices are either to wait forever or to go straight to the emergency room.

7. The fact that doctors are way too cautious (something I've discussed with my parents & Yasi). Seriously, just give me a fucking tranquilizer or something. I won't sue you.

8. Not getting enough hours at work.

9. Dentists appointments which will cost a fortune even with insurance and that will inevitably force me to take more days off of work.

10. Maybe not going to Britain after all so I can save money and my own sanity.

A Thought or Two

I kinda realized... if I do get what I want, which may very well happen, then I'm opening myself up to all the problems that I've only heard about from others.

At the same time, I don't want to get my hopes up already. Not when everything else has gone wrong here. How could this possibly be any different, with my history?

I apologize for the vagueness.

Finally going home tonight! 

I Feel...

...like ever since I got to college, my life has been at a standstill. The fact that it's supposed to be the best years of your life just makes me feel worse.

I dunno, I'm conflicted. I'm going back and forth between blaming myself and the general environment for my lack of satisfaction. And today I realized that I honestly don't give a shit about being alone, because interacting with the people here who were once my friends makes me feel worse.

Then again, if I can continue to put myself in situations that bring misery, maybe it'll give me the motivation to accomplish my new goal.

And then start living.

This isn't a post of bitterness. I don't need to be told that what I'm doing is not healthy, or that one day I will regret it. So really, just stop.